There is no way to tip toe around the topic, and in reality perhaps we need to stop trying to tiptoe around everyone else and their triggers, and have some honest conversations. Look I have dealt with a long list of mental health struggles, so I get it, but I’m also so busy trying to deal with my own darkness that I cant always worry about offending someone else. So be warned, this post is about my current struggle with the re-emergence of my depression and can be triggering to some.
Lately, well not really lately more like over the last 3-4 months I have been sliding. I stopped attending church regularly, my diet has been way off track, my financial situation is a major stressor, and to make my struggle just a little more difficult I am exposed to watching the highlight reel of what I thought my life should have been play out in front of my face by my ex and his wife. Life is hard!
I decided to write this blog on my wellness page because part of achieving whole body health is also achieving mental health, and for me thats my biggest struggle. As a single mom I more often than not find myself feeling like a failure in life. I mean i’m 37 years old and still can’t answer the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?”. In my head I’m still that wild carefree young adult with big plans for the future, daydreaming of what my life will be when I grow up and then I hear “mom” yelled from the next room and im snapped back to the reality that I AM an adult this is my grown up life and its NOTHING like I pictured it!
I’m currently sitting in my 1 bedroom apartment that I share with my 7 year old daughter, 4 year old great dane and two cats. I converted my dining room into my bedroom, and the humming fridge beside the bed is as close to a snoring partner I have had in 7 years. There is dirty laundry spread from my kitchen/bedroom to the bathroom and into the living room cause I work so often I don’t have time to get on a bus to go to the laundry mat, and the new landlord closed our buildings laundry room December 21st. My christmas tree is still up and its almost march 1st, but all the decorations have managed to be knocked off by the cat so I guess its partially put away in that sense. The neighbour upstairs can be compared to a nocturnal elephant most days, and on the other days a screaming banshee is a more accurate description. I work 5 days a week, my daughter skates 3 times a week, and I havent had any sort of social life since 2012. Truthfully even when i do get a day off and the kid is away at her dads I usually end up sleeping and avoiding all human interaction or adult responcibilty (like cleaning).
More recently I have became acutely aware of the exhaustion and my really weak immune system that has left me with multiple colds over the past few months. In fact I’ve probably been sick more days than well at this point and finally came to the realization that the depression is back, and I am feeling like I seriously suck at this whole adulting thing!
As a person who quite literally studies nutrition, and wellness; and who desperately desires to help others understand the power of food and achieve their whole body health, I get super discouraged when I cant even take care of my own health. The fact is that I have the knowledge to truly understand what’s happening in my body to cause my symptoms. I know that my serotonin levels are too low, i know my sleep patterns are off, and most importantly I know how to fix them! Yet here I am struggling.
I have always been a honest person, sometimes to the point of brutality, and I very rarely shy away from harsh truths, or even harsher self reflections. This is why I wanted to write this blog. I am not one of those lifestyle bloggers or wellness professionals that lives a perfectly balanced life. In spite of the abundance of knowledge I possess to help others, I don’t always follow it myself and I end up sick. I gain weight, and fall off track. I am fully aware that my mental health is directly related to the foods I eat and that when I start eating sugar, and processed foods, Im going to end up feeling off. I am human and just like you reading this I too have times that I fall off the wagon.
Over the last month I have started to put more effort into starting a small business. A business in personal health coaching with future expansion plans that will include non toxic all natural daily use products and more. However I have been so wrapped up in providing that “perfect” visually appealing content that I end up getting so overwhelmed. I spend hours on my photo/ creator apps putting together the right image for the topic I want to post and I love doing that but I was feeling like a hypocrite. Because while I am posting all these health related topics, I am not currently achieving my own optimal health and I feel its super important to be transparent.
Sure this honesty could cost me, it could hurt “business”, because there are some out there who expect a health professional who is giving them advice to be the living example of what they want to achieve. Well i’m not always that person, I have messy days too. Who I am though is a real person who experiences the same struggles you do. I am a person that has been down in the trenches and I’ve seen mountain tops of my successes too. I can encourage you to keep trying and I can help you get back up after falling. I’m also that person that will celebrate the smallest of successes, because I too know just how hard the little things are when your struggling. When you’re in your dark places and manage to get out of bed and do the dishes or just get outside for 5 min I am the one who completely understands just how much effort that took!
If the picture of perfect health, and the always visually pleasing content is what your searching for I probably won’t be the creator or coach for you, but if you appreciate the messy and want someone who understands; someone who is willing to walk beside you….well then i’m that girl!
We are all fighting our own invisible battles!
Krystal
As Nature Intended 
Leave a comment